I’ve been pondering how to answer a question my writing teacher asked me. How could I remain innocent even after my mother abused me? I keep going back, to my earliest memories of myself. As I travel back in time, I see the core of my spirit is always bright and beautiful. I was resilient, as most children are.
I knew that my very first contact with the spiritual energy of the guru I followed in the 1980s had seemingly wiped away most of my anger. But it took awhile to understand HOW that happened. In fact in his very first letter to me, my guru urged me to pursue my spiritual path, saying that; “When you come to know your own inner self, all your anger and self criticism will melt away.”
And over the next 15 years, I had experiences that reinforced those words. I am spirit, I am a bright, clear, shinning, beautiful soul. Deep in meditation, I see one arm hanging in the void, and over there, a foot, somewhere else there would be my torso, and I saw that my spirit was not in my body. The more I meditated, the more my awareness grew, and the more pure love I felt. I am not my body. The I that I am, is fathomless. Words can never express it.
Once you become fully anchored in this knowledge, you carry this feeling of being whole and complete with you wherever you go, whatever you do. It exists in the very core of your being. When you know this truth, you also know that this beautiful soul exists in all people, in all animals, and nobody can touch it. We become distracted and depressed. Life constantly throws obstacles in our paths, so most of us forget that soul connection.
It’s our conscious and unconscious longing to reconnect with, and feel that love and joy from within, that gets us into trouble. It is when we lose our soul connection that we get into drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex addiction, food addiction, cutting, anorexia, bulimia, criminal and thrill-seeking behaviors, and looking for love in the wrong places.
I suppose that when I was a child, I was hurt for a while, and then I’d be happy again, in touch with the innocence and joy of my soul. It was like getting a skinned knee; the initial shock causes pain, then it just stings, then you grow a scab, then you pick at the scab and it leaves a scar. I had one thing going for me; I had a feisty spirit, and I knew what my mother was doing was wrong! I knew! – And was not going to accept it quietly! But as the years wore on, and my mother and I got locked in this on-going abuse-reaction-abuse pattern, so eventually I lost my soul connection, I had too many scars upon scars.
It is that beautiful innocence in infants and young children that shines through, it was always there, and can be found repeatedly if it’s forgotten.